Tom Cruise Declared Threat To Homeland Security

Movie Promotion Confused With Bomb in L.A.


A newspaper promotion for Tom Cruise's upcoming "Mission: Impossible III" got off to an explosive start when a county arson squad blew up a news rack, thinking it contained a bomb.

The confusion: the Los Angeles Times rack was fitted with a digital musical device designed to play the "Mission: Impossible" theme song when the door was opened. But in some cases, the red plastic boxes with protruding wires were jarred loose and dropped onto the stack of newspapers inside, alarming customers.
Times officials said the devices were placed in 4,500 randomly selected news boxes in Los Angeles and Ventura counties in a venture with Paramount Pictures designed to turn the "everyday news rack experience" into an "extraordinary mission."

Please insert your own wry snort of derision here, however we may need to go to "Elmo Alert" if this keeps up. I'm just sayin'.

Where, Oh Where, Is Stephen Colbert?

The fact that Stephen Colbert addressed the White House Correspondents Dinner over the weekend and yet seems to be lacking any kind of coverage from the very people he entertained is a perplexing notion. More mention has been made of the "Bush stunt double" routine; an obviously calculated move designed to deflect attention from Colbert's razor-sharp material and the underground stir that it's creating.
The Washington Post was unabashedly star struck; Patricia Clarkson, Joe Pantoliano and George Clooney each received their fair share of ink. Colbert could have easily been just a third string warm-up act. I beg to differ. Here's some scorching evidence from the transcript:

"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."

"……Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"

Throughout his monologue, Colbert dutifully remained in character. As Jesse Kornbluth notes:

"Colbert, God love him, goes much further (than Jon Stewart on The Daily Show - FP). His is a high-wire act that could go down in flames at any moment. For he doesn't satirize our idiot government and gutless media, he becomes the biggest idiot of all. He's the true believer, the guy totally on message, the loyalist who would give his all for the Commander-in-Chief. No wonder Bush left in a snit. He got shown up for what he is --- by someone who pretends to love him."

As someone on the Huff Post said, oh yeah the President got "served" by Colbert. Big time.

"Are We There Yet?"/ Taking A Wrong Turn On The Love Map

The other night I found myself discussing the existence of these things called "erotic templates".
In pop psychology they're more often called "love maps" (a little too 'Hallmark' for me). They're strong visual markers that point you in the direction of the people you're destined to be attracted to, and who will as a result, provide the bigggest payoff to your subconscious needs. The archetype of your perfect person whose image takes shape in your mind from childhood on, involving both the most positive and negative of experiences. Think for a moment of all of the most satisfying relationships you've ever had. Is there some common physical trait or characteristic that all of those people have shared? Now think of the ones that didn't go so well. Can you figure out what was missing? Whatever that "missing thing" was, apparently there was your assurance that the deal wasn't ultimately going to work out. Maybe you already knew about this and have your "shopping list" taped to the bathroom mirror. I've been reviewing my history and don't have a clue as to what mine is, at all. In the realm of relationships I must be an "equal opportunity offender". I see a line of short guys, tall guys; black, brown, red and blonde hair. Could it be these things are more hard-wired in some people than others? Am I just truly clueless? Maybe it's a Wittgenstein thing-the most obvious things around us are the things we don't see. Thank you, five years of therapy for truly giving me the clarity to choose an appropriate partner. Ha ha. Wait a minute. Incoming..........is it.......their........glasses?

Imagine For A Moment....

How much more fun it would be if Condoleeza looked like Whitney. And acted like Whitney.

"I Never Knew You Could Make So Much Noise!"

....and that really means something, coming from a kid. Way cool.


"Circuit-bending is the creative short-circuiting of low voltage, battery-powered electronic audio devices such as guitar effects, children's toys and small synthesizers to create new musical instruments and sound generators. "

B sent me an article about something called "Bent 2006". It looks pretty sweet. Here's an intro from their website:

"If you have the least bit of curiosity about electronics or electronic music, or if you've ever just really wanted to rip your toys apart, this festival is for you. Each day we will have open studios with expert benders on hand to help you get started. There will be installation artists building circuit-bent artwork throughout the space. There will be a full schedule of in-depth workshops. There will be nightly concerts of some of the best circuit benders in the world. It is genuinely fun for the whole family. You will have a blast."
(Come on! It's sanctioned toy demolition! I'm in.)

Exploring the site leads me to several links which help to further de-mystify the process of "bending". One is called anti-theory.com and it consists of page after page of really cool stuff. I have to laugh; the summary of what bending is all about almost reads like a "how to" from Popular Mechanics on building a relationship. For the sixth grade girl in me who won second place at the school science fair, there's far more resonance in these words than anything that Dr. Phil or his pals (if he has pals- ugh) could ever cook up:

"The reality is that the new wiring of circuit-bending is compounded in many convoluted ways as the different controls are combined with each other. This may cause trouble. Be aware of such switching combinations; avoid them or modify the wiring behind them by finding another pair of points to wire one of the switches to. Re-test.
On the other hand, this chaotic snowballing of creative short-circuiting is at the essential and surreal heart of this chance process. There is no way to experience all the switching combinations as the new wiring is being charted on the board. It is not until the instrument is complete that it can be fully explored by the designer, since it is not until then that all discovered connections and new controls are in place at once and can be combined. At that point magic occurs. The instrument is explored, revealing itself in ways never evident during the initial, one-effect-at-a-time, discovery process. This is a wonderful moment."

Yes it is, and I didn't know you could make so much noise, either.

Brrrrrrrrrr!

'Of Montreal' - Cool. 'Bumbershoot' - Not So Much

I discovered a new band yesterday while I was on a lobster-gathering mission. They're called 'Of Montreal' (which they are not - they're from Athens, Georgia) and I wanted to post something about their newest (2005) album, "The Sunlandic Twins", which is REALLY great. While I was searching for an appropriate bit of info to post, I discovered that they'll actually be at this year's Bumbershoot Festival, which will be Number 36. Bumbershoot is a perplexing phenomenon. On paper, it sounds great. In person, it's mostly a living hell; kind of like a Calcutta populated with Goth kids and Deadheads and the requisite amount of non-essential crap available for purchase with any funds that haven't already hemorrhaged from your wallet, since you've already paid $28 just to gain entry to the spectacle. For one day. Living where I do, I can hear most of the musical acts, but it's kind of muffled and sounds more like a cheap lo-fi AM radio transmission and in the six years that I've been here, I've gone only once. Still have the ticket stub on the 'fridge. What can I say, I never went to Woodstock. My platform shoes trudging through some muddy field? I don't think so! I've always needed more than a moist towelette to prepare for the day.

I'm not a proponent of talking "pre/ post 9-11" b.s. as it relates to the quality of life we currently experience, but I'd have to say that after 2001, the caliber of the groups has deteriorated to mostly second and third tier acts; yes, some are quite good but the big names seem to be mostly absent. It may be a coincidence. Dunno for sure. Do bands enjoy the hassle of walking shoeless through airports for hours anymore than the rest of us?

Anyway, this year I may have to grudgingly cough up the bucks in order to see this group. If they're willing to turn over their nail clippers, matches and swiss army knives to hoof it out here, then what's the cost of a few packs of cigarettes between friends? In the meantime, I'll have to make do with their website and a couple of really good albums; what this post was originally meant to be about, before I took this cranky detour. Find an MP3 of "The Party's Crashing Us", download immediately and you'll be able to find it in your heart to forgive me my rant.

The Mystery Of "Numbers Stations" - In The Matter Of Fernandez vs Tweedy

"In a cluttered home office in the World's End section of London, Akin Fernandez is trolling the dial of his newly acquired shortwave radio. It's December 1992 and it's late at night, when the city is quiet and the mad-scientist squawks of international broadcasts have an otherworldly tone. Fernandez, the owner and sole employee of an indie music label, is about to trip across a mystery that will take over his life."

If you are familiar with the Wilco album, 'Yankee Hotel Foxtrot', then you've unknowingly heard a sample from Fernandez' Conet Project at the end of the song 'Poor People Tonight'. Fading in and out at the end is a mysterious female voice repeating the eponymous words which generated a firestorm of acrimony and legal wrangling between Jeff Tweedy and Fernandez and ultimately provided a windfall that allowed Fernandez to release a second pressing of his coveted, out of print 4 disc opus, which is now available for free downloading online. Although Irdial, Fernandez' record label espouses what is referred to as 'The Free Music Philosophy', "the idea that creating, copying, and distributing music must be as unrestricted as breathing air, plucking a blade of grass, or basking in the rays of the sun", apparently it was the uncredited nature of the appropriated clip that chafed Irdial's hinder and led to the lawsuit. Hypocritical perhaps, but even in the shadowy world of archiving "Numbers Stations", I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. (The word "conet" by the way, means "end" in Czech).

Shortwave Numbers Stations are a perfect method of anonymous, one way communication. Spies located anywhere in the world can be communicated to by their masters via small, locally available, and unmodified Shortwave receivers. The encryption system used by Numbers Stations, known as a “one time pad” is unbreakable. Combine this with the fact that it is almost impossible to track down the message recipients once they are inserted into the enemy country, it becomes clear just how powerful the Numbers Station system is. With it's repetitive drone of numbers and phonetic letters interspersed with tinny music box music, ticking atomic clocks and other strange sound effects, The Conet Project certainly makes for a compelling and enigmatic listening experience.

In The Interest Of Fairness

This is what I actually see from my balcony at this very moment and although I don't really live at "PickFair" (see previous post) it's still pretty amazing to be right where I am. Like B says, I'm just a poor girl living in a rich girl's apartment. (Finally borrowed a real camera -too poor to buy one of those things- 'cause I'm always paying for this view). Nevertheless, now you can see why I think I'm in someone else's vacation. The mountains aren't visible today, but they usually stretch out just beyond the sound.

The Worst Songs Of All Times

The results are finally in from CNN's poll and B has sent them along for your "enjoyment".

"Some songs bring back fond memories, and others remind us of someone special. However, some songs evoke a more violent reaction - - they are the songs we hate and will always hate."

Here are the top five, with peak Billboard chart positions and comments from their outraged, frustrated and weary supporters:

5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): "A melody you couldn't play for your dog combined with inane lyrics" (Chris K.); "An all-time piece of dreck" (Darrell); "Having to listen to it is a season in hell" (Bonnie D.).

4. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene (No. 3, 1982): "I want to punch out my radio when it comes on the air" (Larry W.); "Even the mush department at Hallmark would puke" (Eric and Linda); "I'm thinking that in her case, 'Me' probably wasn't such a fun place to go to" (Brenda K.).

3. "You Light Up My Life," Debby Boone (No. 1 for 10 weeks, 1977): "How can anything so insipidly slow light up anything?" (Bob B.); "[It] sounded like it was thrown together on a rainy afternoon by a lovestruck adolescent" (Jan R.); "The musical equivalent of being keel-hauled" (Michael R.).

2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille (No. 4, 1976): "A song about aquatic rodents doin' the wild thing? Eeeeeew!" (Garland E.); "The name says it all" (Stacy D.); "I would pay good money to have its lyrics, tune, and even the fact of its existence erased from my memory" (Dave C.).

And the No. 1 worst song as voted on by CNN.com users:

1. "(You're) Having My Baby," Paul Anka (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974): It wasn't even close; Anka's hit beat out "Muskrat" by more than 50 votes, a veritable landslide under the circumstances. As our correspondents raved: "How can a person not be annoyed by lyrics like, 'You're a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to ya'?" (Shauna M.); " 'What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me' -- If that isn't the most egocentric solipsistic revolting line of all time" (Stu S. and Andi S.); "I don't know a woman alive who doesn't cringe when it comes on the radio. I'm sure it's banned in most countries around the world" (Gord P.).

Other songs with sizable constituencies -- at least 1 percent of the vote -- included Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods' "Billy, Don't Be a Hero," Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died," Starship's "We Built This City," Richard Harris' "MacArthur Park," Morris Albert's "Feelings," the Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight," the Archies' "Sugar, Sugar," Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart," Maria Muldaur's "Midnight at the Oasis," America's "A Horse with No Name," the Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy," Los Del Rio's "The Macarena" and Don McLean's "American Pie."

Teri Hatcher Responds

"You will be receiving a dispatch in the post from my legal representation, forthwith. Arrgh". TH

Whew, that was fast! Love the hat.

Teri Hatcher - Life Is But A Dream

Except for Alton, I don't really devote any space to celebrities, but this is just SO peculiar I had to post it:

Report: Hatcher injured on 'Housewives' set
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Teri Hatcher suffered an eye injury when a light bulb exploded on the set of ABC's "Desperate Housewives," People magazine reported Wednesday. "Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea," Hatcher was quoted as telling the magazine following Tuesday's accident. "I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and am now wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face." Hatcher, 41, said she should be back to work in two days and was trying to see the humor "in the oddity of it all." (I'm sure she meant 'humour')

You all know what she looks like and since I can't find an image of the "glamorous eye patch", you'll have to make do with this.
Teri Hatcher - living with her disability as if she existed in a fabulous Merchant/ Ivory film.

I'm Not Kidding!

These sweeping panoramic views are too large for the site, so I've halved them in order to show you the scope of the neighborhood.

What's So "Fancy" About Her, Anyway?

As I approach my 600th hit (on the site-not the pipe, for goodness sake!) I thought it might be time to pull back the curtain and reveal a little something about myself; answer some of those questions you might be asking yourself, like "Is The Space Needle really her neighbor?" and "What's so 'Fancy' about her, anyway?" As you know, I'm a very private person and reveal very few details that might lead you to my true identity, but I've decided that today is as good a day as any to give you a peek into my Ultra-Fancy existence. I've decided to share a picture of my estate with you. I've purposely made it rather small so that it won't be immediately identifiable to the casual viewer, but you, my closest personal friends, can click on the image to see my home in detail.

The Credibility Of A Blog

Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter! --
From "The Simpsons" episode "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken," 1998

Happy Anniversary!

Thought I might as well put up a new "Get Your War On" while I was poking around the Rees site. Click on the image and you'll actually be able to read it without making your eyes bleed!

"Relationshapes" Are Here

I've been waiting to see what David Rees' new cartoons would look like and they're finally on his website.

Welcome to RELATIONSHAPES, a new comic created exclusively for the modern woman. RELATIONSHAPES is all about relationships: The love. . . the sex. . . the arguments. . . the break-ups and make-ups. . . and the endless talking about feelings! (Fighting and cooking will also be addressed within the context of this comic strip.)

Some critical praise:

"These orginal (RELATIONSHAPES) comics are some of the... finest investment options on the market today. They will f-ing destroy Thomas Kinkade paintings in terms of resale value."
--Savvy Markets Investor Magazine

"These comics are truly collectors' items. Some of the shapes are beyond anything our supercomputers could develop. And the emotional truths expressed are... extremely powerful."
--Dr. Jones, M.I.T. Super-Geometry Lab

A VOICEMAIL MESSAGE FROM DR. PHIL: "Hey, RELATIONSHAPES, it's me. Just wanted to say: Keep those comics coming... keep those emotions and relationships coming... keep those great geometric shapes coming... I love you forever."

One Damn Thing After Another

OK. The site is getting slower and s l o w e r. Some maintenance thing is scheduled for 4 PM EDT, but I'm just going to tiptoe away for awhile.........
(it's not safe in here right now)

Happy Birthday, Snuppy!

Cloned Dog Celebrates First Birthday

SEOUL, South Korea - The world's first and only cloned dog celebrated its first birthday on Monday, as the leader of the South Korean team that produced the Afghan hound faced a criminal investigation for possible fraud and ethics violations.
The birthday celebrations at the university where Hwang once ran his lab were subdued. Snuppy, short for Seoul National University puppy, is in good health and weighs about 29 kilograms (64 lbs.), university officials said.

I wonder if Alton Brown would categorize the birthday cake, consisting of ice cream and sausages as "Good Eats"?

Bob The Fish

"If he were a fish - wouldn't his clothes smell like fish?"

I could watch this commercial all day.

More Alton!

Alton Brown is increasing his Food Network face time. The popular “Good Eats” food scientist and “Iron Chef America” color commentator is busy filming episodes of “Feasting on Asphalt,” which will focus on his cross-country travels via motorcycle as he examines foodstuffs “on the American road today.” Watch for it to premiere July 19 at 9 p.m.

I'll Be Back Tomorrow

In the meantime, here's some random stuff I found and decided to post all together. See the posts below and then draw your own conclusions. Me, I can't wait for the future......

# 3 - You're 89, Single and Don't Get The Peanut Joke

Hey, It's all good!

Men Don’t Want Funny Women

It's a trait often requested in lonely hearts ads and scientists have now shown that a good sense of humour is important for women, but not men, in choosing a romantic partner. A woman is even willing to overlook other shortcomings in a man if he can make her laugh, North American researchers say in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.

"Our results suggest that humour can positively affect desirability as a relationship partner but this effect is most likely to occur when men use humour and are evaluated by women," says Dr Eric Bressler, an assistant professor at Westfield State College in Massachusetts.

Bressler and Canadian researcher Dr Sigal Balshine, an assistant professor at McMaster University in Ontario, demonstrated in an experiment that a good sense of humour, or GSOH as it appears in personal ads, does make a difference.

They showed groups of women pictures of two equally attractive men and presented autobiographical statements that were either funny or serious. After reversing the experiment and showing groups of men photographs of two women, they asked both sexes to select who they would choose as a romantic partner. The humorous people were seen as more socially adept but less trustworthy, honest and intelligent. Men did not select the funny person but women did.

"Women chose funny men as relationship partners despite often rating them as less honest and intelligent," the researchers say. Funny men were preferred even if their humour was unsophisticated, the researchers add.

# 2 - "Two Peanuts Were Walking Down The Strasse...."

(Monty Python/ "The World's Most Dangerous Joke")

Jokes Not As Funny As You Get Older

Don't worry, you won't lose your sense of humour as you get older, but you might find it harder to “get” some jokes, new Canadian research has shown.The research by Dr Prathiba Shammi, a psychologist with Baycrest Centre for Geriatric Care in Toronto, and PhD supervisor Dr Donald Stuss, was published last year in the Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society.

In research designed to probe humour comprehension and appreciation, Shammi and Stuss found that while older people were just as capable as younger people of “getting” wordplay jokes, they were not as good at recognising funny cartoons, or identifying funny punch lines to jokes. Nevertheless, when the older people did get a joke, they responded appropriately, showing they were still capable of appreciating jokes they understood.

"The good news is that ageing does not affect emotional responses to humour – we'll still enjoy a good laugh when we get the joke," said Shammi. "This is important because [humour] is integral to social interaction and it has long been postulated that humour may enhance quality of life, assist in stress management, and help us cope with the stresses of ageing."

The small study involved 20 healthy older adults with an average age of 73 and 17 younger adults with an average age of 28. In the first of three humour tests, participants were presented with 28 written statements and asked to pick out the humorous ones. One example from the 21 humorous statements was a sign in a tailor shop on Hong Kong: "Please have a fit upstairs".

The second test presented participants with 16 incomplete jokes and asked them to select the funny punch line from a choice of four endings. One joke began: "The neighbour approached Mr Smith at noon on Sunday and inquired, 'Say Smith, are you using your lawnmower this afternoon?' 'Yes I am,’ Smith replied warily." And the funny ending was “Fine you won't be wanting your golf clubs, I'll just borrow them”, while the other endings were either logical or a non sequitur.

In the third test, participants looked at 10 different cartoon drawings, each consisting of a series of four similar drawings, only one of which had a funny detail. The participants were asked to select the correct funny version.

While the researchers caution that this is a preliminary study, the findings suggest the ability to understand more complex forms of humour – such as the punch lines and cartoons involved in the second and third tests - may diminish in the later years.Shammi and Stuss hypothesise this is because humour comprehension uses abstract reasoning, mental flexibility and working memory. These are complex higher mental functions believed to be associated with the frontal lobes of the brain which deteriorate with ageing.

Nevertheless, the fact that the older participants reacted appropriately with a smile or laugh when they did understand the humour, suggests that the humour processing related to other regions in the brain remains intact.

This work was an extension of research published in 1999 that had showed the 'right' frontal lobe plays a pre-eminent role in our ability to appreciate humour. The earlier research looked at people with frontal lobe brain damage, such as stroke victims. In the new research, Shammi and Stuss found that while older people were not as good as young people at understanding complex humour, their ability to appreciate jokes they understood was much better than patients who had the brain damage.

#1 - Cautiously Optimistic About This One

Women Now Live Longer Than Men, Even In The Poorest Countries

2006 is likely to be the first year in human history when – across almost all the world – women can expect to outlive men, say researchers in this week's British Medical Journal. The trend towards this remarkable achievement will probably be confirmed this week in the 2006 world health report.

"We tend to forget that in many countries of the world women could expect, until recently, to live fewer years than men and that maternal death in particular remains a big killer," write Danny Dorling and colleagues. In Europe, men last outlived women in the Netherlands in 1860 and in Italy in 1889. Elsewhere females' life expectancy has long exceeded males': in Sweden since 1751, Denmark since 1835, England and Wales since 1841.

But in all western European countries the life expectancy gap between women and men is now narrowing. Greater emancipation has freed women to demand better health care and to behave more like men, and most importantly to smoke, say the authors. As this transition is so recent, the processes driving it cannot be purely biological: they relate primarily to social change.

"We must remember, though, that life expectancy data apply from birth onwards, so the picture would be different in some countries if life expectancy from conception was considered," they add. "But even the life expectancy from birth may not be a permanent achievement, given that the largest remaining untapped market for cigarettes in the world is made up of women living in poorer countries," they conclude.

In Love With The Violet Glow Of You

Yea, Yea, Double-Yea! I am finally getting my own copy of 'The Marzipan Pig', by Russell Hoban and not for the price of $455 that Alibris Book Fetch Results sent to me on Wednesday. Yikes! For some reason, this is one of the most-coveted children's books of all time. I've been trying to get myself a copy for about three years and now I will have it, for a mere $20.

From Publishers Weekly: A marzipan pig, lost behind the sofa, is eaten by a mouse who consequently knows loneliness. The mouse looks to a clock for love, and when she leaves, the clock, in turn, knows emptiness. The owl who has eaten the mouse falls in love with a lit taxi meter, and so on, as each being or object is transformed by its encounter with another. Coming full cycle, a new marzipan pig arrives in the mail and is eaten by the upstairs mouse, who is not eaten by the owl. Instead, she goes dancing all night on the Embankment, wearing a pink hibiscus-petal frock. Exploring the same themes of love and its redeeming power as in The Mouse and His Child, Hoban incorporates humor and adventure in this short, fable-like story. Blake's charcoal-and-ink drawings charmingly illuminate the text.

There's a funny story about two other Hoban characters; a badger with an inquisitive palate meets a twelve year old orphaned boy with a puppet and an amazing record collection. From time to time they have trouble understanding what the other is or isn't talking about, but food seems to be the common denominator that makes everything OK. Next up; Riddley And The Lobster Quadrille.

Roger, 1127 Maple Ave. You Are Cleared For Landing

B just sent this through. Not helping with the "Staycation" thing, is he? "Must post......
now...."



A computer rendering of the "747 Wing House" which architect David Hertz will construct from a recycled Boeing 747-200. Hertz's client, Francie Rehwald, requested a home with curvilinear/feminine shapes, leading Hertz to come up with the idea of using an airplane wing.

The REAL Definition of a Productive "Staycation"

P.S. Please Forgive The Delay In Responding!

Day Two of "Staycation". Are there things I should be taking care of? Definitely. Can I bring myself to do them? Heck no, but here's a little something that I found while poking around Salon.com this morning.

The letter Rep. Jo Ann Emerson sent to one of her constituents read like any other a 20-year-old legislative correspondent might prepare for a member of Congress: Thank you for writing, your concerns are important to me, blah, blah, blah. Then came the kicker: "I think you're an asshole."

As the Associated Press reports, Emerson, a Republican from Missouri, says she has no idea how the insult made its way into her letter to a Centerville, Mo., resident named Bill Jones. "We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by someone within the office or by someone with access to the office, but it is on my letterhead and the responsibility for it lies with me," Emerson says. "A valuable lesson has been learned, and new procedures will be adopted as a result."

Here's a "new procedure" Emerson might consider: Read what you sign before you sign it. As the AP notes, Emerson not only signed the letter to Jones but added a handwritten postscript as well: "PS -- please forgive the delay in responding."

Everything That Rises - A Book Of Convergences

While I'm on the subject of McSweeney's, I have to mention my favorite new book. Lawrence Weschler is the author of 'Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder', an amazing book that I'll let you investigate on your own. His newest book concerns itself with the exploration of the "secret affinities" (Magritte) that are evident through the juxtapostion of a series of very well known images. Weschler advances the theory that certain images are hot-wired into our brains and backs it up by providing pairing after pairing, accompanied by brilliantly written text. Here's an example:

A night time photograph of rescue workers in the smoking bowels of the ruins of the World Trade Center is juxtaposed with Rembrandt's similarly lit 1642 painting of soldiers, The Night Watch.
The photographer, Joel Meyerowitz, says of the scene: "The quality of the glowing light in the center, the assembled men, the kind of smoky background, all the hardware of destruction of it gave me the feeling of those lances and curtains and all that heraldry (painted by Rembrandt). It was a gut reaction. Although I couldn't call up the painting exactly, I just knew this grand assemblage was a powerful image."

{ line up }

I found this site while visiting McSweeney's. Amelia Bauer is the artist responsible for the illustrations in the book 'The Secret Language of Sleep'. Find your favored position here by taking the Sleep Test.

Line Up is a group of artists who maintain independent practices and come together to create site/scenario specific work. Line Up's core members Amelia Bauer, Robert de Saint Phalle and Tobias Wong have been collaborating in various ways since they met in 1998 while studying at the Cooper Union. They share a fascination with the design and function of public spaces and the contemporary challenges these spaces present. The group will occasionally invite guest artists to participate based on the nature of a given project.

Alien Cow Abductions - No Hoax!

I've recently come into possession of evidence that proves cows are being wisked away from farms and fields all across this great land of ours. Don't worry, help is at hand my friend.
Now you can protect your livestock from alien abduction for pennies a day!

Two Days Off - My Mini "Staycation"

I don't know if Peri coined this phrase on her own, but I saw it on her site and so I'm indulging in my own two-day version. It's all I could get for now (whimper). In the meantime, please enjoy poking around the George Eastman House website. It's wonderful.
Check out the collections of lantern slides and movie promo images. The house itself is very cool and served as the home to silent film star Louise Brooks until her death. George was a very nice man.

Hu's On 520

Chinese President Visits Seattle - Protesters & Supporters Gather

While hundreds of protesters and supporters gathered in downtown Seattle, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire this afternoon to talk about bolstering trade and other issues.

Have you seen this car? Well I haven't, but I certainly felt the impact of its presence around 5:30 this evening as I sat waiting for a motorcade consisting of 20 automobiles, various SUVs, helicopters and probably every motorcycle cop in the state of Washington to make its way from the Microsoft campus in Redmond back to downtown Seattle DURING FRIGGIN' RUSH HOUR. This jackass exercise in "international feel good business diplomacy" resulted in my ten mile commute taking over an hour and a half to complete. Good news! I can expect these shenanigans to disrupt my life for the next three days. I just don't yet know how.

The 520 Bridge is a two-lane exercise in futility which tries the patience of thousands of drivers twice a day as they travel back and forth between the Eastside and Seattle proper; living on one side, working on the other and never quite managing to reconcile in their minds the glaring differences between the two. It's basically the land of the have-nots versus the haves. At least the have-nots on my side of town presented him with an appropriate welcome when he arrived...Yeah, you go - Falun Gong. You go. (Don't get me started on them).

My Taxes Are Done

I've been thinking about the Mock Turtle ever since I did the Humpty Dumpty post. Now I know why.

They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. A stack of W-2s and various 1040 forms littered the beach around him.

Mr. Neutron Is Missing!

- Or "How I Spent Easter Sunday"


B & I had dinner along with a really nice Alsatian wine and then we watched my all-time favorite episode of Monty Python. It's from Season 5, which was only shown once so you may not even know it exists. Graham Chapman plays Mr. Neutron, the most feared man in the galaxy who enjoys shopping and gardening and ultimately finds the woman of his dreams, all while being hunted down by the (totally inept and ultimately unsuccessful) combined military forces of the entire world.

"I want a full-scale red alert throughout the world. Surround everyone with everything we've got!"
- Supreme Commander of all Military Forces

Episode 44: "Mr. Neutron"
Recorded: 11/9/74
Aired: 11/28/74

Sketches: Post-Box Ceremony, Mr. And Mrs. Entrail (or) Mr. Neutron, F.E.A.R. (or) Mr. Neutron is Missing, Teddy Salad, Secretary of State and Prime Minister, Bombing, Mrs. Scum, Teddy Salad Explodes, Mr. Neutron Escapes, Conjuring Today

"We open with a call-for-arms as the townswomen bring their weapons of mass destruction to the collector's wagon. Then we have a ceremonious post-box "opening" in multiple languages (a forgotten gem- FP). Next we're introduced to Mr. Neutron, the most dangerous man in the world. The rest of the episode follows the goings-on of Mr. Neutron (which isn't much) and a government agency's desperate (and blindly ruthless) search to find Neutron. The agency is called FEAR—the Federal Egg Answering Room—but that's just a front for FEEBLE—the Freeworld Extra-Earthly Bodies Location and Extermination center. FEEBLE's agent is looking for the one man who can find Neutron—Teddy Salad (yes, as in lettuce, tomatoes, that sort of thing). Salad was a top agent and is now living as a dog in the Yukon. After a few meatballs and walkies, Salad starts to tell the agent where Neutron is. But before Salad can finish, he explodes. Meanwhile the Commander of all Military Forces, who apparently has a body odor problem, orders mass bombings all over the world to flush out Neutron. Unfortunately, all that accomplishes is destroying the planet. Neutron escapes with his new love, Mrs. S-C-U-M. We don't get to see the supposedly expensive and elaborate end of the story, but we do see Conjuring Today, where a magician is going to attempt to saw a woman into three pieces. By the look of the saw he's holding though, he hasn't had much success." digitallyobsessed.com

Why , Oh Why?

Y'all know who you are.

Burning In Hell - Maybe Not So Much?

What happens after you die?
Take the quiz and find out. Got this from Peri who somehow ended up in the Beetlejuice Waiting Room. After death, you will end up in an overcrowded waiting room sitting beside Beetlejuice. You've been given the number 736 076 827 378 919 023, but they are currently serving number 3. Good Luck. That's messed up! I took the quiz and apparently I'm going straight to the Big Room. Maybe I should play it safe and not tell the old "View Master story" once I get there.

JC In 3D

In the true spirit of the holiday, MisterKlean has found forgiveness in his heart and wiped the chocolate from his hands just long enough to search the Internet for this screen capture. It's an image from VM reel EA-3, entitled "Behold My Hands and Feet". I hope the Eostre Bunny is extra good to you this year, MK!

Please Come & Watch Me Burn In Hell For Sure

With thanks to McSweeney's again.

MY HELPFUL TIPS FOR FIGHTING AND WINNING THE WAR ON EASTER

BY J. CHRIS ROCK

We've all been there, staring down that atheist in the Easter Bunny suit in front of Wal-Mart. We've all jerked an emphatic thumb or two at our righteous bumper stickers, "Down With Peter, Up With Christ" and "My Easter Bunny Can Rise From the Dead." We do what good Christians do. We fight the War on Easter.
But is there something more I can do? you ask. Is there some way we can take this to the next level? Friend, there is. The following tips have helped my family fight many a PC do-goodnik trying to take the holy out of our holiday. And we even have a bit of fun doing it!
Tip No. 1
In the beginning was the word, and if you call it "Easter" the pagans have already won. Eostre was a pagan goddess of spring. What were those first Christians thinking, naming our day after a dirt-eating Wicca tart? In our house it's called by its Christ-appropriate name—Jesuster.
Tip No. 2
Celebrate the true meaning of Jesuster—betrayal! Every year, we single out one family member as a traitor and banish them. (Works best with larger families.)
Tip No. 3
Have each member of your family write a letter every day to Just Born, Inc., makers of PEEPS. Suggest they make PALMS instead, marshmallow fronds that deliciously celebrate Christ's triumphant return to Jerusalem. Great writing exercise for the kids!
Tip No. 4
For Lent, give up not talking about the Glorious Resurrection of Christ.
Tip No. 5
Mothers, throw that "Easter" bonnet your child brought home from art class right in the trash. They'll cry (trust me on this one), but tell them that if they really loved Mommy they'd make you a crown of thorns out of a paper plate.
Tip No. 6
Instead of godless animist eggs, paint iron spikes in a variety of pastels and hide them around the yard. Or go for polka dots! Who says crucifixion has to be drab?
Tip No. 7
Two words: P. R. - Lobby your church to change Good Friday to Great Friday.
Tip No. 8
Go after their god for a change—money! Boycott stores caving in to pressure from National Proletariat Radio. Watch advertisements for words like "Cottontail," "hippity" and/or "hoppity," "spring," "cute," "PAAS," "Cadbury," and "Passover."

I hope these tips help you and yours in this battle against the atheist mobs. And a Happy Jesuster to us all.

The True Meaning Of Easter For Me

Warning! If you are the least bit serious about religion, then turn away from this screen right now, because the true meaning of Easter for me is View Master. When I was little, I had a really nice collection of View Master reels. How I loved them. One set in particular brought me endless hours of entertainment; The Easter Story as presented by View Master in 21 scenes, "faithfully reproduced" in 3D!!! The reels included were EA-1 The Resurrection, EA-2 The Appearances of Jesus and EA-3 The Ascension. Although an up close and personal shot of Thomas sticking his hand into a nasty torso wound was pretty compelling, and The Last Supper (which a friend of mine calls "Separate Checks!") was also rad, nothing was more fun than switching back and forth between #6 and #7 on the last reel, for these were the images of Jesus ascending into heaven. In #6 he's standing among the apostles, instructing them to "Go forth and teach all nations". In #7, he's hovering about 15 feet above the apostles, bathed in a beam of light and headed home. Wow. I loved clicking back and forth between the images in a move I have since come to call "Now you see him, now you don't". PLEASE, don't be offended. I was raised a Catholic and I loved the whole mystery of the Mass and the Latin and the rest of the hocus pocus, er, "rich pagentry". When I was ten I announced to my parents that I planned on becoming a nun, after spending a year at a convent boarding school. Instead of being pleased, my father reacted as if he were going to have a coronary (which eventually did materialize, but it was a few years further down the road and thanks for not taking your blood pressure meds, by the way) and I was prohibited from going back. What the hell, they were the ones who gave me the "nun doll" for my First Communion. The doll who curiously had no underpants. They also gave me a miniature printing press, so as a result I didn't dwell on the pantless issue too much at the time. It was public school for me from that point on. When things switched to English and the guitar strummers took over in place of the Latin liturgy, which I loved then and still do to this day, they pretty much lost me. But this weekend I will return to a time of innocence and deep mystical contemplation as I do every Easter. Thanks to a strategic purchase on eBay a few years ago, I will be happily clicking my vintage 1950 Reel 3 between #6 and #7 as I engage in my own personal celebration of The Easter Story. Yeah, Mea culpa. And if all of this really bothers you, feel free to spend $65 on the ultra-collectible reel entitled (no lie) "Jesus Teaches Forgiveness" and then let me know if that one does anything for you. Remember, it's "Forgiveness in 3D!!!". The best kind there is.

A Hard-Boiled Love

There was a long pause. `Is that all?' Alice timidly asked. `That's all,' said Humpty Dumpty. `Good-bye.' This was rather sudden, Alice thought: but, after such a very strong hint that she ought to be going, she felt that it would hardly be civil to stay. So she got up, and held out her hand. `Good-bye, till we meet again!' she said as cheerfully as she could. `I shouldn't know you again if we did meet,' Humpty Dumpty replied in a discontented tone, giving her one of his fingers to shake: `you're so exactly like other people.' `The face is what one goes by, generally,' Alice remarked in a thoughtful tone. `That's just what I complain of,' said Humpty Dumpty. `Your face is the same as everybody has -- the two eyes, so --' (marking their places in the air with his thumb) `nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance -- or the mouth at the top -- that would be some help.' `It wouldn't look nice,' Alice objected. But Humpty Dumpty only shut his eyes, and said `Wait till you've tried.'

Howard Helmer & My "Egg Fetish"

OK, so a few posts back I mentioned the other 3 certainties of my life; ham, eggs and oatmeal, as well as the fact that B thinks I have an "egg fetish". When he asks me about what I've eaten, it's invariably some egg-based dish. I made a favorable comment about a cooking show we were watching because they were making a flan. He let me know that my enthusiasm was not a bit surprising or unexpected, given my "egg fetish". My dietary choices now had a name. Anyway- here's how my love affair with eggs came to be. About two years ago I went on the South Beach Diet, because I was working the first (and only) desk job I'd ever had and when I went to get my Washington State driver's license, the picture looked like a little piggy. Or a large piggy. I did not even recognize myself, which is a completely weird sensation. Much to my surprise, I had gained 50 pounds! Convinced I was either pre- or full blown diabetic, I finally carted myself to the doc. Everything was perfectly normal. (Whew!) I'm only 5'3'', so you can imagine the "enormity" of my problem. Doc said, "You're not diabetic, you're just fat and depressed". (His delivery was much kinder, trust me). Grateful to be healthy, I immediately embarked on the South Beach Diet and also began running 3 miles a day. Serious. I lost 22 pounds in 2 weeks and the rest just kind of fell off. Fast. Where do the eggs fit in? Anybody who's been on one of these "no carb" diets knows that eggs and ham become your new best friends. Over time, the oatmeal joined up to form this holy trinity, I guess because it was in the neighborhood. And it had heard that I was a really cool person and just wanted to...get closer? Well, if I do indeed have an "egg fetish", then Howard Helmer must be the god I should pray to every night, because he holds the Guinness record for speed omelet-making. 427 in 30 minutes. His secret? He listens to rap music while he's making them and times his movements to the beat. That's some crazy-assed cooking. Peace out, my man.

Shocking Secrets Revealed? Nahhh........

This evening someone suggested that I might want to consider using this blog as a journal though which I could describe what is actually going on in my life and kind of lay out my feelings about what the last, oh even just the last year has been like.
Name names, describe behaviors, dig deep. Yeah. Although it was tantalizing for a moment, everybody can take a deep breath.
Your secrets are safe with me.

Love, Edith

Where Did My Target Audience Go?

Perhaps I'll just ring up Mr. and Mrs. Cheap-Laugh.......

Just Say "No" To Feelings

Whew...not a single post today.....
Where'd everybody go?
(sound of crickets)
Nice day for a walk.
I'll be getting back to crafting ironic observations now.

The Power of Words

It's late. I just got home from work a couple of hours ago and it was a tough, long day with a lot of twists and turns, but something I saw tonight put a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart; yeah, my old kicked-around heart. Someone I've never met, at least not in the traditional sense, wrote about me on her site and celebrated the fact that we have the ability to reach out and connect with people; to touch them, make them think, make them laugh and let them know they are not alone in the world. I don't want to get all goofy-anybody who knows me will tell you that I can get emotional over the smallest kindnesses-but I was truly touched by this gesture of friendship.
Peri, thanks for letting me know I'm not just typing into the wind.