2001 - A Blog Odyssey

"Those damn apes!"

(never thought I'd get this far.... Thanks!)

And In Case You're REALLY Interested....

And let's face it - how could you NOT be? Ha ha....
You can listen to 'Gorecki' here.

It's easily worth the six minutes.

You've got the time, right?

Weds Sept 27th 6:01 am

"Could we stay right here'til the end of time, 'til the earth stops turning......"
Lamb - 'Gorecki'

How long ago was it when I wrote about peak experiences? I said I knew I'd have more; I didn't expect that one was waiting to grab me this morning. Basically, as I've said before, I'm a fairly private person - guarded when it comes to both my own feelings and those of the people who are close to me. I don't want this site to deteriorate (what? that's a crazy word) into a shrine dedicated to the healing powers of love, but my life is being transformed so rapidly and so profoundly that I'm having a hard time keeping up and the inside and outside of me seem to be constantly changing places. Recently the inside seems to be more commonly on display. I've somehow become porous and very permeable and I find myself existing inside this huge bubble filled with people who love me and I find that I'm loving them all back. There's a fluidity to my daily life that seems to be generating quite a few exceptional moments as I pass from one state into another and back again. You know, at times like these I begin to wonder if these events aren't occuring for us all of the time; we just need to recognize them as they are happening.

I need to begin by saying that if you've never heard one of those Bose radios, by god, you've really missed out. I hadn't until today and now my life is irretrievably changed. P uses one as his alarm clock and when it came on, I swear it sounded as if the entire apartment was one big speaker. He sets it to KEXP, a local station affiliated with Paul (Microsoft) Allen's Experience Music Project; a behemoth of a building whose red roof I can see from my balcony. In the late afternoon the sun illuminates the dome-like structure, turning it into a giant radioactive beetle that looms over the tracks of the Monorail. The station operates from a ramshackle building just down the street; a facility more befitting of its humble origins as a kind of red-haired stepchild of the University Of Washington, whose legitimacy wasn't established until Allen infused hundreds of thousands of dollars into keeping it on the air. But I digress. Just taking an opportunity to tell you a little about Seattle; a topic I curiously write very little about- considering the title of this site. Did I mention it's finally become my home?

The music woke me immediately and I felt completely surrounded by it (Thanks, Bose!). I felt like I was in a movie. It was unreal, but at the same time, perfect. I later identified it as 'Gorecki', by a British group called Lamb. Reading the lyrics, which begin with "If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear - for I've never known completeness, like being here", I remembered hearing every word, but wasn't I asleep when it started? Was it creepy, was it transformative; what kind of an experience had it been? - every word resonated within me as something I had said in trying to describe to my friends how I was feeling as this new relationship developed. I'd even written the equivalent on another site; "It's taken almost six years, but it finally feels like home and I have one person and a helluva lot of soul-searching to thank for that. Oh yeah, and a little bit of marching through the jungle. :) If it finally got me to you, I'd do it all again." became "All I've known- all I've done- all I've felt, was leading to this". When I played it for a friend later this afternoon, her comment was; "That's your song - that's everything you've been saying. You have a song".

As I lay there, I felt so many different emotions. I felt exposed. I felt 'found out'. I felt exhilaration and peace at the same time. Bravery, Love, Exhilaration, Fear. There you go. Can you see how from my perspective, I now view everything as part of one incredible, integrated process that finally brought me to that moment? At some point, P either took my hand, or put his arm over me - I confess I can't remember that part exactly - but the physical touch was almost superfluous to the connection that I felt. It was a peak experience. Judging from what he's said since, I think perhaps that he was feeling the same way. Profoundly changed. Am I the type of person who would typically write publicly about things like this? I mean, you get the picture - there's a bed and bodies and music and feelings all over the place. Yeow! I suppose that's the bravery kicking in. The room was actually very still and I couldn't move. "Here is true peace, here my heart knows calm......".

Yes, I've put a lot of myself on this site recently and now to acknowledge to the world that you think you’ve found the person who finally not only gets you, but makes you a better person than you thought you could ever be, is a little scary and for someone like me, as I keep repeating, embarrassing, but it's too great a feeling not to take that risk. I’m also conscious of the fact that it might be hurtful to someone else to see a declaration like this. I don’t want to diminish any of the past; after all it is what led me here and it’s all been important. Along the way I’ve tried to absorb the lessons presented to me; some of them admittedly haven’t made much sense until now.

I’ve jokingly said that “soulmates are for sissies”, because I don’t really believe that there’s one person that we’re meant to be with. That’s a little too “rainbows and unicorns” for me. There may be hundreds, thousands, millions of people, within whom, if we only took the time, we might discover the same special qualities that help to form a connection like the one I have with this person. What is it that makes us slow down, open ourselves up and do it? I don't know. That's where the mystery and the beauty of falling in love reside. The one thing that makes this all so absolutely right is that it is about the feeling and not the thinking. At this point there are too many words here. I don't really need them. This is about emotion and one exceptional morning that has definitely changed my life forever. And so, one more time, I'm going to stand by and wait for the next amazing experience, because I know this is just the beginning. Again.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Two Doors

I know people have been checking in here for the last couple of days, only to find nothing new and I do feel kind of guilty for disappearing for a while. Not that I didn't have good reason; the whole 'face incident' was traumatizing enough to make me want to crawl under the couch, ( if only my head would have fit!).

It's sometimes hard to strike a balance between living a life and writing about having one. A lot of things have happened in the past two weeks- some good, some sad, some itchy. Today was a day when I needed to take some time to think about all of it and decide what to do with what I've learned from everything that's happened. I realize that I've taken a few risks and put quite a bit of myself out there for everybody to see. I experienced some amazing gestures of friendship in my personal life as well as within the professional realm that I inhabit and I can't remember a time in the recent past when I felt more cared about. It felt pretty good and I think it helped me be a better friend to someone else who was having a difficult time. I will always be grateful for that.

A lot of the time when I write about things that are going on in my life, I tend to use a kind of code for what's happening- the people involved can always recognize what I'm talking about; others may have to guess or do a little detective work if they really want to know. Maybe they guess right, maybe they don't. It's not because I want to be mysterious so much as it is because I don't think the people in my life necessarily need to have themselves paraded through these posts for public consumption. Most of them haven't consciously signed on for that gig. I try to be kind and I try to be protective, because that's just the way I am (unless I'm worked up over some indignity....then look out!.... as you well know).

Today I made a decision to change a part of my life that's needed to be changed for a long time. I needed to do it so that I could move on to what feels as if it's going to be the best part of my life so far. A door that's stood part-ways open for a very long time is being closed and a new door has been opened. What exactly has happened? Well, maybe you'll guess right and maybe you won't, but while I am feeling somewhat wistful, I am also happier right now than I can remember being for a very long time. As I've written elsewhere, if I had to go through everything that's happened to me in the last six years to get to where I am now and to find what I've found; I'd gladly do it all again. It's good to finally be home.

I Was The Elephant Man's Stunt Double

"The things we do for love" - 10cc

Geeeeeeeez, what fun I've had in the last 24 hours - plagued by some undiagnosed deal affecting my skin that made my face puff up like one of those fish, I was at the ER until 4:30 this morning and I don't mean 'Ecstasy Rave'.

They said that most likely the culprit was something I'd eaten, worn or looked at in the last day. That shouldn't be too difficult to pinpoint. Around 3, when the doc asked me if I was feeling better, I felt my face and replied weakly, but with conviction, that yes, yes, I thought I was! As soon as the first set of IV's was done, I gathered my dignity around me, along with my hospital gown and made my way to the bathroom. Memo to the Emergency Room- I don't think ya really need those mirrors in there. I can't imagine there are too many people who want that kind of startling visual-regardless of whether they're a patient or a visitor; I just don't think that kind of info needs to be committed to memory. In truth, I looked worse than I had when I walked in. Way to go.

I shuffled back to my room and waited for more treatment. The nurse had very kindly turned the TV on for me, but without a remote I was treated to all night long reruns of 2 infomercials; one for "Those God-awful Songs From The 80's!!!!" featuring Rick Springfield and his face-lift; the other "These Clowns Sold Me A Car Even Though I'm A ...........(fill in the blank with -black lesbian dwarf, genetically-confused hillbilly white guy, or gal who only works in strip clubs 2 weekends a months, but it's to feed her kids"). Holy Crap-which ring of hell WAS this?

Several hours later, I was pronounced well enough to leave the hospital- meaning it was safely the very middle of the darkest part of the night and the chances of me frightening a small child or an animal were minimal. Doped as I was, of course I got lost (yeah- AGAIN, and I'm starting to enoy it, OK?....) and found myself downtown, very close to my old job. I even turned onto a one way street the wrong way -didn't share THAT part before, did I? Wheeee.

Well, my face is getting back to what the world laughingly accepts as 'normal' for me and it'll be back to the workaday world tomorrow. Business as usual, with one exception; I won't be smelling like a bakery again, anytime soon. I spent the afternoon reviewing anything different that I might have come into contact with and I'm pretty sure that's what did it. Hope you like lavender. At least it's calming and non-toxic. I'm probably irresistable enough without it, but "If it's not too late, I'd like to apologize" anyway..........

Guilty of DWC — Driving While Canine

BEIJING - Trying to teach an old dog a new trick fails miserably

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday. No injuries were reported, although the vehicles involved were slightly damaged, it said. The woman, identified only by her surname, Li, said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive," according to Xinhua. "She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car." Xinhua did not say what kind of dog or vehicles were involved, but Li paid for repairs.

(Not the actual dog-but how crazy is it that I found this pic on the first search?)

Back To "Business As Usual"

September 14, 1989

A long time ago, this was the happiest day of my life; surrounded by friends and family, bathed in good wishes and facing the prospects of a bright future. I only just remembered it a little while ago-funny how our priorities change; I thought I'd never forget- or be able to get over it, either. What a great thing that today is again a really happy one for me and I'm remembering the other one fondly now, too. One big circle, finally closing. It's all good, J. On to the new future.........already in progress for both of us.

xo

My Secret Life

In the last few days I've had the opportunity to correspond at length with a friend I've never met; a man who from time to time will check to read my posts and occasionally leave a comment. He happened to see my post about my desire to really connect with my readers.
In the last couple of days, a friend of mine received some very sad news which has caused him to question a lot of what his life is about. He's a really wonderful, decent person, and I wish that I could do something to lessen his pain, but all I can do is stand by and wait. I feel somewhat helpless, but I feel that he will be OK at some point. I think he does, too. Time has the ability to do that for us. In the meantime, I have been hearing from people who want to help me as I wait and this new-found friend has offered much wisdom as he's shared the experience of losing his wife in the last year. I wrote this to him this evening and then decided-"This is what I've been trying to put out there all along-why not publish it and see what happens." And so I am.

Hi Again~

What an incredible story of love, forgiveness and redemption. You've taken an amazing journey, my friend, and how wonderful that there is more to come. For both of us. I've had a couple of emails from **** which would indicate that he may be processing things a bit at this point, and that the shock of the news has subsided a little. Perhaps.

When I first moved to Seattle to join my husband; a move made to take a last-ditch effort at saving our marriage, I was pretty much alone all of the time. Work filled my hours for the most part, but I would walk around my neighborhood, The Capital Hill district, which is a mile and a half away from downtown Seattle, on my days off, just to be surrounded by people. In my solitude, as I grieved for everything I was likely to lose, I began to realize that what I took as scores of people all happier than myself, were actually people who more than likely had some difficulty that they were dealing with, too. We carry these things deep inside and there is no outward manifestation of pain for the most part, as folks make their way through the day. I guess I was connecting with humanity on a deeper level-choosing to feel connected to the suffering, rather than making myself feel more miserable and isolated by mistakenly cultivating this illusion that everyone in the world was happier than I. And so, to circle back; to look at us, few would probably recognize the pain of the losses that we've both endured. At least I hope not! :)

And yet, despite it all, here we are ready to take a chance again. I have a very dear friend who works in social services, with a background of working in sheltered workshops and the like. Now he's a benefits coordinator for the State of New York's mental health system. He's been my touchstone for years and I love him like a brother, mother and sister all rolled into one. At my lowest point, he provided me with a metaphor that has proved to be more helpful than five years of therapy. Emotions are like the weather; we are always passing through, they are transitory and ever-changing, and therefore when we feel at our lowest we need to remind ourselves that "this too, shall pass". We may move on to something better or something worse-but we can always expect them to change. Nothing endures forever- for better or worse. While to some this may be a depressing notion-especially when existing at some level of peak experience which we wish would never end-but I've come to realize the inherent thrill of the concept; because something even better may be coming. This is the hope that I've come to embrace and I hold onto it like the dearest friend in the world. I share this notion with you, although I sense that perhaps you already feel this way too. I hope so-and I wish you an ocean of weather for many years to come. Thanks for your wonderful correspondence.
This is the connection I hoped for in my earlier post. As I write these words, the thought strikes me that I may post this on my site-it's probably one of the truest and most honest thing I've ever written. Thanks for pulling it out of me!

Warm regards~

Loss

"What the heart once owned and had, it shall never lose."

~Henry Ward Beecher

Finally, There Are Pancakes

I really love carbohydrates. Finding a place where I can get them in the middle of the night is pretty cool. I think my bout of homesickness has finally found a cure at The Hurricane Cafe. No arugula or complicated sauces, (although there's definitely a place in the world for them, too). Just pancakes. And a lot of coffee. Just like back home. If you can live to 112 on a diet of waffles, then maybe with a late start in life I can make it to at least 90 if I keep going back for more. Thanks, P.

Bravery - Love - Exhilaration - Fear

Well, I seem to have gotten through the better part of the day without any mishaps, despite the dire horoscopic warnings. I don't know how much I believe in that stuff, anyway-but it's always entertaining. On the drive home tonight I was thinking about what I'd like to write next. Something serious, I thought, since lately my stuff has been mostly all throwaway and kind of lightweight. Four words popped into my head; bravery, love, exhilaration and fear. As I slowly inched my way home for the most part, suddenly a clearing appeared, and then I was able to race across the bridge into the early darkening evening, thinking about what each one meant to me. I wondered "Why those four?"

When I was about twelve, my best friend and I would do pretend radio broadcasts. I had a small reel to reel tape recorder and we would tape shows and then play them back for our own amusement. Sometimes at night I would leave my transistor radio on, underneath my pillow. It was always tuned to WBEZ in Boston. Their on-air personalities were known from coast to coast. A nation of restless teens listened every night, as the midnight hour buzzed with the combined static and chatter of people reaching out for music and conversation. We were connected.

I haven't listened to any kind of talk radio in years....it's become so, so, well you know. "Insane" is the word that comes to mind. Where am I going with this? Well, I've been thinking- I really love to write, and this site has been my proving ground to discover whether or not I had anything worthwhile to say. It's a nice format-somewhat interactive, but limited. There is no dialogue, there is no back-and-forth. It's mostly just me, throwing words against the wall to see what sticks. Sometimes I capture someone's mind for a moment and get a reaction. I love it when there's a comment from someone I've never even met. Connections are really important. Connections are what get us through, every time. Are we connected?

Anyway, all this has gotten me remembering about the radio and how I wished when I was a teenage girl that I could have my own radio show when I grew up. I suppose this site is the obvious substitute for that unfulfilled desire. What's missing is your part. I really wish I could know what these words mean to you; what they remind you of, what your reaction is to seeing them together and whether you feel they belong together, or not. There's a lot of emotion in these words. They are powerful words. Put them together in any order you wish - since they came from my own thought process, the order that they're in obviously makes sense to me on some level. My mind summoned them up that way. Two very complimentary emotions bracketed by two others that are the flip side of each other and cannot exist without each other, for you cannot know what it is to be brave, until you have known what it feels like to be very afraid. Have you had a chance in your lifetime to experience each one of these feelings? Have you lived a life with at least some sense of love and the way that it can make you believe that anything is possible? I hope so, and many times over. And when you have been afraid, I hope you have looked into the deepest part of yourself and found that bravery did exist within your heart and that you used it well, to either save yourself or to save someone else in the world.

I don't have a way to speak with you so I can hear you talk about how you feel. I don't have a radio program; I don't have a number for you to call in and say what's on your mind. All I have is this site and the hope that you'll think about this post for awhile and then maybe talk to the next person you see about what these words mean to you. You don't even really need to talk that much. Just connect. Just feel. And live.

Uh Oh.......

My horoscope has been telling me for days says this is going to be a really awful day for me, so please consider this an apology and a warning for all of the bad things I'm apparently going to do:

"I'm sorry -but wow, was that fun!"

Ryewire 'On The Rise'? - Done & Done!

66,625 votes
#1 in Seattle
#6 in the country
What did it all mean?
We're still waiting to find out.......

and we may be waiting for a long time.

MySpace Has Taken My Soul - But My Brain's On Music

The last thing my friend Steven said before I left work yesterday was: "Look out for MySpace - it'll take your soul!" Guess he knew what he was talking about, because last night I spent all evening over there. While I listened to 'Soon' by My Bloody Valentine on P's site about a million times, I was busy trying to format my own site. (He'd better leave that song up for awhile, because I really like it, but hey, it's his site.....). Little by little, people began to appear. Emails were sent. Oh dear. MySpace was beginning to take away brain cells, too. Earlier in the day I had gotten a notice about what looked to be a really interesting book, 'This Is Your Brain On Music'. I had planned on writing a little something about it over here, because you like that kind of thing. Me, too. Now it seems I'm taking the slacker's way out by merely giving you the link to the Amazon review, because I just can't get enough of listening to 'Calm' by Maritime, which is the song I put on my site (an example of my brain on music). If you've got any questions after you read the review, c'mon over. I'm the one with a 'cat head on a stick' for a profile. Ping!

Got Any Plans For Labor Day?

Oh my................

Man Lived To 112 On Diet of Sausage And Waffles

LOS ANGELES - George Johnson, considered California’s oldest living person at 112 and the state’s last surviving World War I veteran, had experts shaking their heads over his junk food diet. “He had terrible bad habits. He had a diet largely of sausages and waffles,” Dr. L. Stephen Coles, founder of the Gerontology Research Group at the University of California, Los Angeles, said Friday. The 5-foot-7, 140-pound Johnson died of pneumonia Wednesday at his Richmond home in Northern California.

Johnson, who was blind and living alone until his 110th birthday when a caregiver began helping him, built the Richmond house by hand in 1935. He got around using a walker in recent years. Johnson was the only living Californian considered a “supercentenarian,” a designation for those ages 110 or older, Coles said. His group is now in the process of validating a Los Angeles candidate who claims to be 112 years old. Coles participated in an autopsy Thursday that was designed to study Johnson’s health.

“All of his organs were extremely youthful. They could have been the organs of someone who was 50 or 60, not 112. Clearly his genes had some secrets,” Coles said. “Everything in his body that we looked at was clean as a whistle, except for his lungs with the pneumonia,” Coles said. “He had no heart disease, he had no cancer, no diabetes and no Alzheimer’s. “This is a mysterious case that someone could be so healthy from a pathology point of view and that there is no obvious cause of death.”

Sweet!

So this is how things stand on a Friday night. Number 7 in the whole country.
Just a couple more days to go.................