Please Come & Watch Me Burn In Hell For Sure

With thanks to McSweeney's again.

MY HELPFUL TIPS FOR FIGHTING AND WINNING THE WAR ON EASTER

BY J. CHRIS ROCK

We've all been there, staring down that atheist in the Easter Bunny suit in front of Wal-Mart. We've all jerked an emphatic thumb or two at our righteous bumper stickers, "Down With Peter, Up With Christ" and "My Easter Bunny Can Rise From the Dead." We do what good Christians do. We fight the War on Easter.
But is there something more I can do? you ask. Is there some way we can take this to the next level? Friend, there is. The following tips have helped my family fight many a PC do-goodnik trying to take the holy out of our holiday. And we even have a bit of fun doing it!
Tip No. 1
In the beginning was the word, and if you call it "Easter" the pagans have already won. Eostre was a pagan goddess of spring. What were those first Christians thinking, naming our day after a dirt-eating Wicca tart? In our house it's called by its Christ-appropriate name—Jesuster.
Tip No. 2
Celebrate the true meaning of Jesuster—betrayal! Every year, we single out one family member as a traitor and banish them. (Works best with larger families.)
Tip No. 3
Have each member of your family write a letter every day to Just Born, Inc., makers of PEEPS. Suggest they make PALMS instead, marshmallow fronds that deliciously celebrate Christ's triumphant return to Jerusalem. Great writing exercise for the kids!
Tip No. 4
For Lent, give up not talking about the Glorious Resurrection of Christ.
Tip No. 5
Mothers, throw that "Easter" bonnet your child brought home from art class right in the trash. They'll cry (trust me on this one), but tell them that if they really loved Mommy they'd make you a crown of thorns out of a paper plate.
Tip No. 6
Instead of godless animist eggs, paint iron spikes in a variety of pastels and hide them around the yard. Or go for polka dots! Who says crucifixion has to be drab?
Tip No. 7
Two words: P. R. - Lobby your church to change Good Friday to Great Friday.
Tip No. 8
Go after their god for a change—money! Boycott stores caving in to pressure from National Proletariat Radio. Watch advertisements for words like "Cottontail," "hippity" and/or "hoppity," "spring," "cute," "PAAS," "Cadbury," and "Passover."

I hope these tips help you and yours in this battle against the atheist mobs. And a Happy Jesuster to us all.