My Secret Life

In the last few days I've had the opportunity to correspond at length with a friend I've never met; a man who from time to time will check to read my posts and occasionally leave a comment. He happened to see my post about my desire to really connect with my readers.
In the last couple of days, a friend of mine received some very sad news which has caused him to question a lot of what his life is about. He's a really wonderful, decent person, and I wish that I could do something to lessen his pain, but all I can do is stand by and wait. I feel somewhat helpless, but I feel that he will be OK at some point. I think he does, too. Time has the ability to do that for us. In the meantime, I have been hearing from people who want to help me as I wait and this new-found friend has offered much wisdom as he's shared the experience of losing his wife in the last year. I wrote this to him this evening and then decided-"This is what I've been trying to put out there all along-why not publish it and see what happens." And so I am.

Hi Again~

What an incredible story of love, forgiveness and redemption. You've taken an amazing journey, my friend, and how wonderful that there is more to come. For both of us. I've had a couple of emails from **** which would indicate that he may be processing things a bit at this point, and that the shock of the news has subsided a little. Perhaps.

When I first moved to Seattle to join my husband; a move made to take a last-ditch effort at saving our marriage, I was pretty much alone all of the time. Work filled my hours for the most part, but I would walk around my neighborhood, The Capital Hill district, which is a mile and a half away from downtown Seattle, on my days off, just to be surrounded by people. In my solitude, as I grieved for everything I was likely to lose, I began to realize that what I took as scores of people all happier than myself, were actually people who more than likely had some difficulty that they were dealing with, too. We carry these things deep inside and there is no outward manifestation of pain for the most part, as folks make their way through the day. I guess I was connecting with humanity on a deeper level-choosing to feel connected to the suffering, rather than making myself feel more miserable and isolated by mistakenly cultivating this illusion that everyone in the world was happier than I. And so, to circle back; to look at us, few would probably recognize the pain of the losses that we've both endured. At least I hope not! :)

And yet, despite it all, here we are ready to take a chance again. I have a very dear friend who works in social services, with a background of working in sheltered workshops and the like. Now he's a benefits coordinator for the State of New York's mental health system. He's been my touchstone for years and I love him like a brother, mother and sister all rolled into one. At my lowest point, he provided me with a metaphor that has proved to be more helpful than five years of therapy. Emotions are like the weather; we are always passing through, they are transitory and ever-changing, and therefore when we feel at our lowest we need to remind ourselves that "this too, shall pass". We may move on to something better or something worse-but we can always expect them to change. Nothing endures forever- for better or worse. While to some this may be a depressing notion-especially when existing at some level of peak experience which we wish would never end-but I've come to realize the inherent thrill of the concept; because something even better may be coming. This is the hope that I've come to embrace and I hold onto it like the dearest friend in the world. I share this notion with you, although I sense that perhaps you already feel this way too. I hope so-and I wish you an ocean of weather for many years to come. Thanks for your wonderful correspondence.
This is the connection I hoped for in my earlier post. As I write these words, the thought strikes me that I may post this on my site-it's probably one of the truest and most honest thing I've ever written. Thanks for pulling it out of me!

Warm regards~